At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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