Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
