he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
