i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
