The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
