i permit you to call me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
