I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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