just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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