so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
