You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
