I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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