I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
