You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
