You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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