So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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