I'm going to jail i love you
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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