I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
