just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
