i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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