Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
