and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
