my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
