Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
