Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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