If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
