Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
