One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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