Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
