His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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