we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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