Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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