fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
