I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
