I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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