Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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