Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
