just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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