turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Randomize