Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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