Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
