I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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