I think I can smell my own vagina right now
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
