I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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