It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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