i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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