I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
