How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
