I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
