hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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