I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
