end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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