how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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