Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
