I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
