you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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