I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
