happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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