Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
