I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
