mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
