May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
