ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Need sex. Gaining weight.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
