I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
