i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
