did you get engaged???
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I want her autograph on my taint
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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