Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
