I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
