I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
